and professional skills
a successful person has in the their toolbox
is knowing exactly when and how to apologize.
Apology dynamics can be confusing. Underuse and overuse of apologies can both have negative consequences.
It’s true that conflict resolution skills are what make or break a couple, but this is true about friendships and work colleagues, too.
No one is perfect. Everyone is selfish sometimes. It’s how you clean it up that matters most.
Learning the art and science of a proper apology is one of life’s most important skills!
A Disagreement Can Help a Healthy Relationship to Thrive
a complete apology can resuscitate almost any type of relationship
Almost any unfortunate situation or misunderstanding can be fixed if you know when and how to apologize.
In fact, a relationship — be it romantic, platonic friendship, or professional at the workplace — can be made stronger and deeper by a thorough, heartfelt apology.
Just as a transgression harms trust, an apology can not only heal the wound, but can often add something positive to the ongoing record of trustworthiness between the parties in question.
Why It’s Important to Apologize
Yes, a thorough, earnest apology can absolutely resuscitate a relationship that only moments before seemed doomed.
But perhaps the best part of making, or receiving, a complete apology, is that it means that both parties have stayed in-play through the end of the spiritual or psychological lesson. Life has a way of repeating old hurts, in various forms and disguises, until an internal shift is made and an authentic, positive insight obtained.
There’s a reason they say “life is not a fairy tale.” Star-crossed lovers are those whose relationship is thwarted by outside forces. In fairy tales and fantasy films, the majority of lovers are star-crossed lovers — and it is some nefarious antagonist who keeps them apart.
In real life, the opposite is usually true. Generally speaking, the only thing interfering with the prince’s attainment of love is himself. And the only thing interfering with the princess’s attainment of love is herself. We get in our own way, folks. Much of the suffering we experience in the world, we create — though we may have trouble seeing it at the time.
Fables and fantasy do not usually portray lovers negotiating over who’s going to take out the trash or drive the kids to practice. Quite simply, most of these stories are the lead-up that finally culminates as the couple shares their first kiss. But what does their situation look like two years hence, or twenty? These stories romanticize life and remove the mundane tasks we must grapple with on a daily basis.
Conflict resolution skills are a significant part of what define us in this lifetime.
The real artistry comes into play when attempting to resolve everyday problems. The question is not whether of not our life will have conflict — it absolutely will. It’s not about the conflict itself, it’s how we handle it.
Maybe we can’t handle every conflict as it occurs in the moment, with the grace and dignity we know we’re capable of. But, we can reflect on it afterwards, shake it off, soothe our scratches, then go back and try doing it again, only this time from the highest part of our Selves.
The Art and Science of Making Amends
It’s a mystery why some people have such a difficult time saying “I’m sorry.” Perhaps they’re afraid of losing credibility? Perhaps they’re afraid that it’s a slippery slope? We could make conjectures all day long. Whatever the reason, those who have trouble doling out a necessary apology, generally are not realizing their full potential as human beings.
Of course, the opposite is also true. Nobody wants to be apologized to fifteen times a day. Not only is it annoying but, much like the boy who cried “wolf,” it loses all meaning and begins to feel disingenuous.
“…’I'm sorry’ should be the card up your sleeve,
not the deck spread face-up across your coffee table”
Like everything else, balance is key. I don’t advocate saying “I’m sorry” for every little infraction, because the word loses its punch. There are other ways to acknowledge mistakes.
The Two Types of Apology
It’s important that you be able to distinguish between the two types of apology, and when to use each:
Apology #1: The Simple Model for Smaller Hurts
The Simple Model apology is for small infractions — the little blunders of everyday life. Regret is expressed, but the weightier words such as “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are saved for another time. In this scenario, you can sincerely say, “By the way, I regret that I…”
Apology #2: The Full-Scale Model for Larger Mistakes
The Full-Scale Model of apologizing is for when you’ve said or done something that was, consciously or unconsciously, deliberately hurtful. This is when you pull out the big guns.
For this type of apology, you want to sort of “knock on the psychic door” by offering a preamble, such as, “I was hoping to clear up with you a mistake I think I made. Is now a good time to talk with you about it, or later?”
(Word of caution: if you say “I’m sorry” here, but you’ve already used it fifteen times times a day for small blunders, it will be rendered meaningless. “I’m sorry” should be the card up your sleeve, not the deck spread face-up across your coffee table. If you haven’t squandered it on the small infractions, it will retain its power for when you really need it.)
Next, you acknowledge what you did, and apologize. And don’t be afraid to go deep. It’s perfectly okay to say, “you know, I’m not sure what came over me. I guess I had a moment of being selfish and fearful. I do know better, though.”
On one hand, don’t be cocky. But also, don’t be cowering. Just be sincere and kind. And, for pete’s sake, don’t skip any of the steps! I’ve witnessed the most atrocious apologies! I’ve seen people start to apologize, then stop before the process is really completed. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: a poorly executed, half-ass apology can be worse than never having apologized at all. So practice beforehand if you need to, but make sure your apology is complete on the first try. How someone receives the apology is none of your business. Just hold up your end of things, that’s all you can really do in life, anyway.
human relationships require nourishment …and occasional weeding!
Now, you may think that I’m giving too much credence to these words. Well, maybe, but as I see it, language is paramount. Body language can be difficult to read, and varies from person to person. Used correctly, words carry weight and can help us avoid the more probable misinterpretations of body language. Let me put this in context for you:
- ⊙ Simple Apology is for those instances when you’ve inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. You simply express regret.
- ⊙ Full-Scale Apology is for those instances when you really knew better. Own up to your behavior, explain your actions (without excuses or cop-outs), make amends (“I’m sorry”), and offer to make it up to the person if you can
Now, understand, I’m not trying to give you a “get out of jail free card” here. This is not an invitation to misbehave or take your partner for granted. Ideally, one doesn’t have to resort to the Full Scale apology very often. And, as is always the case, what matters more than what you say is the tender and compassionate energy behind what you say.
Seems like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is. Relationships, any kind of relationship, take work. That’s just the nature of life on earth. It’s the human experience. But learning to get it right is probably the reason you’re here. Reciprocal, healthy relationships are worth the investment!
Why You Should Never Demand, or even Expect, an Apology
Most people who have narcissistic tendencies — that particular fracture to the psyche that separates the personality from the soul — are unaware of it. It’s a secret that they’ve (masterfully) kept from themselves.
It’s not your job to punish the people who have hurt you (karma takes care of that, in time, anyway). Trying to extort an apology from someone over the age of 11 is really more about humiliation than enlightenment. They have to arrive at the apology themselves and of their own volition (for more answers to questions about effective communication, check out the illuminating work of Dr. Pat Allen).
However, to hold up your own end of things, it’s usually a good idea to express yourself, as simply as possible. Often, the stroke-and-stand method works best: “You had every right to… {insert here what that person said or did, with as little editorializing as possible}, however, it didn’t feel good {or seem constructive}…”
That’s all you have to say, as tenderly and calmly as possible. If the person who hears you say that chooses to get re-escalated again, simply say “I’ll be leaving now…” and walk away.
Life can be made more meaningful when, with each passing year, we become better at communicating with our fellow human beings. But it takes work. Healthy relationships are like gardening. You have to cultivate your garden — to nourish and weed your relationships in a systemized and compassionate way. It’s good practice in life to be able to say what you think or feel without making the other person wrong or trying to shame them into seeing things your way.
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