Romance Advice: What Rocky Relationships Need is Common Sense

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
What rocky romances most often need, is a solid dose of common sense.
 

Resistance to Reframing Relationships

 
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be a relationship coach and couples counselor. I even got a masters degree in depth counseling and wrote a how-to book.

Then, I realized something startling.

People are more resistant to seeing relationships in a new way than they are to almost anything else.

 
 

“If it’s love that you’re mostly after,
then reflect and focus on your ultimate fantasy.”

 
 
 

As children, we unconsciously form an answer to the question, “What does love look like?” and from then on it’s very difficult for human beings to change their internal answer to that all-important, life-shaping question.

You’ve heard parents say that it’s always the childless people who seem most comfortable offering parenting advice? Well, I’ve found that it’s single people that are sometimes the most fixated on how they believe a relationship should operate.
 

Romance: “The 1970s called; they want their ideology back”

 
One of the peculiar aspects of having people — single and married — ask me questions about improving the romance in their lives, is that, even though I am an open-minded, live-and-let-live kind of fellow, I find myself saying, out loud, the kind of common-sense advice that I imagine a conservative grandmother dispensing.

Okay, I never say things like, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” but sometimes I do feel that more traditional principles would offer solutions to the problems presented.

What makes these old-fashioned responses of mine even stranger, is that I’m in a same-gender marriage (we had our first date almost 20 years ago) and I’m an eco-conscious, California born-and-raised, organic-vegetable eating liberal. Or so I thought.

I decided eventually, that I was more fascinated by lifestyle-design in general, than I was in being specifically a relationship coach. So I forged a slightly new path — though still heading in the same direction: helping others identify who they really are, what they really want, and crafting a strategy for how to get there.

Occasionally, though, I still get asked for my opinions about what-to-do in relationships, such as this question from a smart and lovely woman:

 

Question:

 
“My boyfriend and I have been fighting for 5 years: hang-ups, shouting matches, break-ups… you name it. We love each other and the sex is great, but we seem to have such a hard time getting along. I’m trying to figure out what to do. Don’t spare me any bad news, tell me what you really think!”

 

Answer:

 
There are some talented, licensed therapists who can be very helpful to you in this situation, so I do hope that you’ll consult with one.

Regarding “bad news,” it’s like this: in my opinion, it’s VERY hard to think clearly and make good decisions about a relationship while you’re having great sex with that person. The sex has created an oxytocin-party in your bloodstream, so that you can’t think clearly from a “high-altitude perspective.”

And, if the relationship ends, then how long it takes to “de-bond,” depends on how passionate the sex is. The hotter it is, the harder the break-up will probably be.

One thing I’m learning, is that the Law of Attraction doesn’t respond potently to ambivalence. It’s so important to know — with outrageous clarity — what your end-objective is.

If it’s a healthy and happy marriage you’re secretly hoping for, be honest with yourself about it. Forget sounding PC and independent, unless it’s independence that you’re mostly after. If it’s love that you’re mostly after, then reflect and focus on your ultimate fantasy.

Also, in regards to your “bad news” question — I hesitate to type this because I know how old-fashioned it sounds, but one of the biggest mistakes I see women make in romance is that they act like they have all the time in the world, even though they know they don’t. You’ve got to set boundaries with men and stick to ‘em. I think it was Marianne Williamson who said that, after the age of 40, another “5-year detour” becomes increasingly unwise.

 
 

“That’s the funny thing about relationship advice:
other people can often see your situation much
more clearly than you can.”

 
 
 

Okay, I sense that you’re asking me to be very frank with you. Yes? Since you’ve asked for the truth, here’s my unvarnished perception of your situation:

Sometimes women get so “caught” in the story of who-said-this and who-did-that, that they forget basic common sense. Try to laser-in on what really matters here.

At this stage of your life, whether or not you want to be married requires a yes or no answer in order to move forward. If you’re unsure, then The Universe will give you: unsure.

Do you understand what I’m trying to communicate? Either answer is okay, but you need to get clear with yourself. Look to your fantasies, they will inform you.
 

The brutal truth is that the drama-rollercoaster is terrible for your health and it sucks up time. Time that is so valuable, that if I tried to tell you HOW valuable, I would still be understating it.

I know it’s a strange thing for me to say, but the mating-marketing-window is, in fact, very narrow and you need to make the most of your loveliness and brains and take advantage of the pool of healthy, relational men while it’s still somewhat large (it does shrink with time).

Everything I’m telling you, you would see so clearly (on every level — not just intellectually) and the only reason you cannot (because it’s pretty obvious) is that you are extremely bonded. That’s the funny thing about relationship advice: other people can often see your situation much more clearly than you can.

I’m not suggesting that you break up, or stay together. I have no idea — that’s up to you. But if you’re going to try make this work, you’ve really got to shift the entire paradigm.

…and did you hear what I said about “5-year detours?”
 
 
Look better, feel better, be stronger.
Discover 12 Easy Ways to Add 12 (or more!) Healthy Years to Your Lifespan
by subscribing to the FREE Longevity e-newsletter below
                    ↘