might reveal that simpler pleasures
are what help you to be happy.
What events in your own life would make you even happier than you are now? What does it mean to be happy?
As modern human beings, we routinely make predictions about how happy future events will make us — a new car, a million dollars, a face lift. We make guesses about how these things will increase our long-term feelings of satisfaction and inner-peace.
Often, our predictions turn out to be incorrect. The things we were so sure would make us happy people, do not.
How to Get Happy
In an insightful article in The New Yorker magazine, writer Elizabeth Kolbert explained that there are a whole range of activities that people tend to think will make them happy — such as getting a raise, moving to Hawaii, having children — that, in fact, do not.
“when I do my happiness-inventory, it is these quiet moments from my daily routine that stand out.”
Of course, many of us already know this stuff intellectually, and yet: we keep forgetting: happiness is not often found where we might expect to find it.
The Paradox of Contentment:
Plan Ahead, yet, Be In The Moment
On one hand, it seems good to have goals — goals give life texture and provide us with direction.
On the other hand, this moment — this simple little moment — is, oddly, all we know we have and our biggest opportunity lies within it. I mean, when you really think about it: the whole idea of postponing opportunity because you expect to be alive ten minutes from now and will have more energy and where-with-all then, than you do now — well, it’s kind of comical in a way. What I’m saying might sound woo-woo to you — I realize that — but isn’t that what research, such as the research cited in Kolbert’s article, really tells us?
Kolbert startles us with revealing statistics and vignettes, such as: lottery winners who take significantly less pleasure in daily activities (such as clothes-buying), than non-lottery winners.
Take a Happiness Inventory: How Happy are You?
If you were to take a brutally honest “happiness inventory” of the last couple of years, you might be surprised at those moments that stand out most. Think back on these last two years — where is your contentment located?
Sometimes we answer questions such as this, with how we think we should answer… yes, the truth often alludes even ourselves.
In order to arrive at an authentic answer, a few minutes of solitude can be very helpful.
Give yourself a few moments alone to sit, close your eyes… and gradually calm yourself, looking inward:
What physical sensations are you aware of?
- ▸ What parts of your body feel healthy and good?
- ▸ What parts of your body feel tight or uncomfortable?
Gradually bring your attention to your lungs, following the sound and sensation of your own breath. When your mind starts to chatter, gently guide your attention back to the actual sensation of breathing.
After spending a few minutes in this relaxed state, ask yourself this question:
What are my favorite parts of a typical day?
…allow the answers to present themselves:
A Case Study: What Makes This Fellow Happy
When I recently conducted my own happiness-inventory, these typical moments of subtle joy were revealed to me:
- ⊙ Saturday mornings, sitting cross-legged, next to a lit fire in the fireplace, on our living room rug, my laptop on the coffee table, a cup of warm yerba mate tea by my side, and my spouse sits nearby working on his laptop, too.
- ⊙ On weekdays mornings, the spouse helps me tie my tie each morning. I choose which vest, the cuff links, which shirt, I polish our shoes, and then I ask him his opinion about our day’s wardrobe. Final changes are decided upon, a shower and a shave, and then he ties my tie. (Yes, even though I aspire to be a gentleman-hero from an Austen novel, the truth is, I have a hard time tying my own tie!)
When I do my happiness-inventory, it is these quiet moments from my daily routine that stand out.
I don’t think a new Ferrari or a trip to Paris would bring me as much contentment as David tying my tie each morning. Not even close.
A happiness-inventory may remind you of your own life’s simpler pleasures.
Think back to the last two years of your own life. Heck, think back to just yesterday. What made you truly happy? Where are your moments of joy really found?
p.s. The Dane Technique 1-minute video library is free to you, and is designed for increased happiness, by creating more free time in your life for you to spend with loved-ones or pursuing those activities or hobbies that you feel passionately about.
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If you’re not happy without a million dollars in your bank account what makes you think you will find happiness once the million dollars is in your account? Happiness is internal and not something that is found in material items.
I would like there to be a study done on what gives one’s life meaning. Happiness is a fleeting emotion (not that it shouldn’t be strived for) and can flit away like a butterfly under the dark cloud of rain. For me the deeper question resides in what is meaningful–that part of life which gives it its dimension. I think Joel is touching on that when he talks about decency, duty and contributing.
Hey, nice of you to say Dane! Honestly some days I wonder if I’m on the right track, but forward is the only choice we have! Hope all is well for you and David, the new ID.tv is lookin’ sharp!
Joel: I’ve always remembered this comment of yours. I’m struck by your advice “don’t try to bottle it.” Old-Soul wisdom!
And when you say “deceny, duty, and contributing,” I feel touched because I know you and this truly is your value system that you strive — successfully! — to align with.
{ twitter = @danenow }
The key for me is not attempting to make happiness last, take it as it comes, when it comes, but don’t try to create it or bottle it. Instead focus on other things for the long term, like decency, duty, and contributing.
Last night, sitting at the dinner table with my wife Deb, daughter Annie and son Ted — all sharing what we were grateful for in 2010. What a bounty that unfolded for us all.
And today, the morning brisk walk, and looking forward to a quiet day of painting in the guest house. Now that’s livin’!
Aw, I love it, about the sat mornings and the tie, such a nice picture you paint of domestic tranquility, and I agree. When I think back to happy moments with my first major ex, it was our Sunday morning routine, him watching the 49ers, grading papers, me reading the newspaper next to him — or, part of our Friday evening standard: watching McNeil Lehrer together with a glass of red wine.
And, happy moments with the exH: cooking together (well, him really the sous-chef, but still, talking and cooking); or the time we rented the cabin up at Pinehurst, with a little snow, and took the cats and invited my whole family up for Christmas (7 people), and I got a tree and decorated it too, and we were up there for a week, some time alone before and after family, I cooked a real feast… the best Christmas.
When I think about the man I love now, I often think of the routine we have every time we part, I kiss him goodbye so that will be the last memory I have of him until I see him again.
And I have plenty of happy moments alone, too! But they are also simple, like the time I had so much fun rediscovering a swingset — or, just last night on court….often physical fun activities, but simple things….and then some experiences that cost money (opera, live basketball, middleweight fight, dinners out), but not the lotto!
Interesting that money didn’t factor anywhere into that. Yet so much in America is about money money money at the expense of all else. And if you say that money doesn’t matter… well, we all know the names that will be thrown at you here.